Things change so quickly in our lives. Despite all my efforts, my husband packed his stuff and left us today. Well I should say the drunk guy I live with on occasion decided he would rather stay that guy. As a mother I have to stand up and say I refuse to choose men and drugs over my children and I have to let him go but as a woman deeply in love with this man, my heart is breaking.......... It is much harder to smile and hold a conversation when everything inside of you is sick with pain. I know that for my kids I have to put on a smile and go on about life like it is all going to work out. It is not for them to worry about the rent that's due or all of the little things I cannot afford to buy. I want to be one of those strong woman that only fall apart when the kids are asleep but it is not as easy as I need it to be. LORD PLEASE KEEP ME TOGETHER!!!

Today has been pretty uneventful. I decided to take a break from my facebook because there is so much ugliness going on in the world right now but it is much harder than I anticipated. It is like an addiction to be so blindly obsessed with what we believe is a connection to others. My brother made a comment the other day that as a society we have all become so impersonal with each other that the only way we know what is going on with each other is if we read the status update. Nobody makes regular phone calls anymore. I understand when there is distance between loved ones that facebook may be more convenient but it is still important to touch base in a more personal way. I intend to spend some time becoming more personal with my close friends and family. Maybe that is part of what I'm missing right now, maybe I just need to get back to basics for a min and appreciate real life connections....

A little CRAZY!!!

I think that as people searching for the best of ourselves we never really stop learning and growing as individuals. Something I have to keep learning about myself is that my mind is not always well...I have borderline personality disorder along with a few other disorders that can sometimes cause me to see things irrationally. Luckily for me I have some amazing friends and family that help me to find my way through the traffic in my head. Another thing I have learned is that I love my husband and I will fight to make this work. I know that he loves me an unmeasurable amount and that alone will get us through any of the differences we have. A marriage is all about compromise and accepting that sometimes you have to agree to disagree but the biggest thing for me is remembering that not everything he says or does that I do not agree with is a personal attack on me or our relationship. He does not process things the same way I do and sometimes he is just thinking out loud. I struggle daily to find my limit and accept it because sometimes you cannot do it all in one day or sometimes you just have to take a break from the norm and that is ok. Mistakes are human and we all make them. I need to learn not to take mine so personally. I started this blog to help me sort through all the madness in my head, the racing thoughts I have a hard time expressing and the lessons I learn along the way. I need to get back to a place where I feel a little more in control of my emotions and a little less offended by everyone around me........
 

Although I am aware of how my thoughts and actions affect everyone around me, sometimes it is hard to consider that when making decisions in my life. Sometimes I don't want to be the one responsible for making the decisions in this family, sometimes I just don't want to make any decisions at all. I feel jaded by the fact that I am the responsible one and it is not in me to make decisions that risk my family for my own personal gain. I know that I am able to make bad decisions but my conscience prevents me from doing so...My first thought is ALWAYS "how does this affect my family, my children, my husband"? Is it wrong to be angry when my husband does not do the same? Or is that on me because I make that choice? Maybe I over analyze every situation, maybe that is my curse.

So I have learned a ton of lessons in my life so far but the one  I am still having a hard time dealing with is my reaction to other people's decisions in my life. For example, my husband is an alcoholic and he is really trying not to drink but when he does, I take it personally. I have this huge debate in my brain because on one side (the one psychology rules) I am aware that his thought process about having a tall boy has nothing to do with me or how I feel and it is just his addict mind saying "I have an urge" and his history of getting what he wants allows him to feel entitled to have it. But the other side (my crazy mentally ill, emotional side) says it is a personal attack against me because we have a deal, (one that kept me from leaving because of the way he is when he drinks) and he broke it without regard to our deal or the situation previous or otherwise. Originally, the reason I was not willing to tolerate his drinking was because he would get wasted and rude which leads to chaos and violence (on my part) so I said either I leave to avoid raising my child in a hostel environment or you decide to get rid of the guy you become when you drink. Well so far, he has found a way to drink and not be that guy but now I have a new set of emotions connected to the situation......My husband works 10-11 hours a day. When he comes home he showers and takes the baby so that I can shower, cook dinner, and do homework. By the time it is all said and done we might have 1 hour to spend together before its bedtime for him because he gets up at 3:30am. When he drinks, even just a tall boy, I lose that hour because he passes out earlier. I also feel jaded because I have given up a ton of things to be a good mother and wife such as smoking. I smoked for 20 years and quit when I got pregnant and stayed quit for myself and my family (he doesn't smoke) I still have moments when I want a smoke but I know that it does not only risk me but my family so I do not. I have talked to many of my friends about this and they say, "thats motherhood get use to it" but should I? Do I accept that my thoughts and emotions on this subject are WAY more complex than his will ever be and let it go? Do I give in and realize that my husband works 10 plus hours a day, 5-6 days a week at a job that makes him feel like less of a man and all he wants is a tall boy and pray it doesn't turn out bad? I have never been a healthy relationship so I know that part of my emotion in this is related to past experiences and that is not his fault but how do you get away from the correlation between past and present experiences? Isn't the past how we learn our lessons for the future?

Here is a little background about my life....My childhood was a rough one, on my own and married at age 16, drug addicted by age 17 and a high school drop out. By the age of 19 my only aspiration was to be bigger and better than Scar Face! I spent the next 6 years in a haze of tragedy everything from divorce to the loss of both my mother and the love of my life. I attempted to get sober for the first time at age 25 but it was a lot of hit and miss with periods of sobriety followed by wild drug binges. During the span of 17 years I lost a total of 13 pregnancies with no live births. Almost 4 years ago I attempted suicide for the 3rd time and woke up in ICU. The doctors informed me that I died on the way to the hospital and they revived me but my heart was weak. I decided from that moment on that I was not going to "try" and change my life but I was going to succeed! I moved almost 300 miles from everything and everyone I know to begin college with a major in Psychology. I took in my sister's 3 kids until she could find her own sobriety and 3 years later, my sister is clean with one of her kids back, I am a college graduate working on my Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice, I am in an amazing relationship with my soul mate and I have a beautiful 5 month old daughter ( My Miracle Baby)!!! So there ya go. the short version lol I have learned an abundant amount of lessons during this chaotic run in life and now that it has calmed down I intend to share my story with all of you!

I am really not sure how to start a blog but I know that I have a lot to say about the life I have lived and the stuff I have made it through. People are always asking me for my advice because there is not many things I have not been through and I made it out not only alive but became successful in my life against all the odds! I found myself sharing my ideas on Facebook and got tons of feedback so I decided to start a blog and see how it goes.....