So I have learned a ton of lessons in my life so far but the one  I am still having a hard time dealing with is my reaction to other people's decisions in my life. For example, my husband is an alcoholic and he is really trying not to drink but when he does, I take it personally. I have this huge debate in my brain because on one side (the one psychology rules) I am aware that his thought process about having a tall boy has nothing to do with me or how I feel and it is just his addict mind saying "I have an urge" and his history of getting what he wants allows him to feel entitled to have it. But the other side (my crazy mentally ill, emotional side) says it is a personal attack against me because we have a deal, (one that kept me from leaving because of the way he is when he drinks) and he broke it without regard to our deal or the situation previous or otherwise. Originally, the reason I was not willing to tolerate his drinking was because he would get wasted and rude which leads to chaos and violence (on my part) so I said either I leave to avoid raising my child in a hostel environment or you decide to get rid of the guy you become when you drink. Well so far, he has found a way to drink and not be that guy but now I have a new set of emotions connected to the situation......My husband works 10-11 hours a day. When he comes home he showers and takes the baby so that I can shower, cook dinner, and do homework. By the time it is all said and done we might have 1 hour to spend together before its bedtime for him because he gets up at 3:30am. When he drinks, even just a tall boy, I lose that hour because he passes out earlier. I also feel jaded because I have given up a ton of things to be a good mother and wife such as smoking. I smoked for 20 years and quit when I got pregnant and stayed quit for myself and my family (he doesn't smoke) I still have moments when I want a smoke but I know that it does not only risk me but my family so I do not. I have talked to many of my friends about this and they say, "thats motherhood get use to it" but should I? Do I accept that my thoughts and emotions on this subject are WAY more complex than his will ever be and let it go? Do I give in and realize that my husband works 10 plus hours a day, 5-6 days a week at a job that makes him feel like less of a man and all he wants is a tall boy and pray it doesn't turn out bad? I have never been a healthy relationship so I know that part of my emotion in this is related to past experiences and that is not his fault but how do you get away from the correlation between past and present experiences? Isn't the past how we learn our lessons for the future?